I’d like to send a most grateful shoutout to my newest paid subscribers Patty, Beth Killion, and Laurie Dove! Laurie is a good friend and a great writer. Her new crime thriller, Mask of the Deer Woman, is coming out next January. Pre-orders available now!
Find the library. STAT!
Note the rows and rows of silent, orderly books. A whole new TBR! Revel in the signs stacked one above the other that say, “Quiet please” and “No cell phones.”
When Diane from Texas sits in the plush armchair below the signs and answers her phone and begins a full-blown, full-volume conversation about Sandy’s bunion surgery, set your eye lasers to STUN. It’s too soon for murder, the cruise has hardly begun.
Do not use the elevators.
They are crammed with people (people!) who might, at any moment, remark about the Bocce Golf Challenge, Diamond Disco Night with Effy, or the Secrets to Tighter Skin at the spa. Use the stairs instead. There are fewer people (people!) and they’ll be too out of breath to talk.
Eat during off-peak hours.
Plan to eat two of your three daily meals between 1 am and 7 am. The Muzak pianist has retired from the atrium, the gregarious drunks have gathered in the bar, and there’s only one restaurant open.
Order all three appetizers from their limited overnight menu and eat them in the back corner booth where the waiter always forgets to refill the sodas. A woman in the opposite booth is wearing a t-shirt that says, “Dogs and coffee make me less murdery.” You’ve identified your first, and only, cruise friend, though she may never know it.
For your third, daytime meal, order room service. Dine on your balcony if there are sturdy, full-length dividers between outdoor spaces. Better yet, stay in an interior cabin with the door locked.
Dress to impress—no one
Wear your sunglasses inside to avoid blindness from the icebergs of sequins and rhinestones colliding in the halls. For your own wardrobe, try a camouflage approach. A faux-woodgrain pattern t-shirt will help you to blend into the walls. If you can find said tshirt made of wool, wet it before leaving the cabin. The scent of soaked sheep bestows a malodorous bubble of protection.
And always carry your book in front of you like a crucifix. The power of unspoken words repels extroverts.
Count on the Captain
Wait until the captain announces free Pandora beads in the starboard Duty Free for the first 100 guests. After the stampede, when the ship begins to tilt to one side beneath the sudden shift in weight, bolt back to the library. All the Dianes should be cleared out.
You’ve survived the first twenty-four hours. (Only 144 more hours to go!) That’s a generous grace period for any extroverts who still think they can infringe on your turf. Time to set eye lasers to LETHAL FORCE if anyone speaks. Screw Sandy’s bunions.
Free Reading
If you’re a writer yourself, consider checking out these gems from Story Street Writers, including a close analysis of Flannery O’Connor’s classic “A Good Man Is Hard to Find” by yours truly. Find out why her use of symbolism is what elevates it to a story for the ages.
Wish I had this guide before my one and only cruise (a disaster). If I ever go again, I'll keep your advice in my back pocket.
I only once was on a cruise (of like, 4 days) and I did it as a romanticized way to finish writing my thesis for college. It was great, I didn't speak to anyone but just wrote, wandered, and ate dubious foods