No. 28 Performance Review for "Mother Nature"
Feedback on one of Your Recent Projects
The following letter was inspired by my own recent experience at an exceptional location in Iceland. You all are going to hear about it soon. It was a doozy, and not in a good way.
Writer Friends, make sure you scroll to the bottom for an exciting writing opportunity from Story Street!
Performance Review for "Mother Nature"
Re: Performance Review of Your Fifth, Billion-Year Cycle
Dear Mother Nature,
Greetings from the End of the Universe! Hope you’re well.
Before we dive in, I’d like to mention that I’m a huge fan. Even though Creation was before my tenure, tales of your molten red period and shifting tectonic plates are legendary at coffee break around the Black Hole. (As a personal aside, it was very ballsy of Laura and Wanda from Marketing to name your two early continents after themselves. Laurasia and Gondwandaland didn’t test well with our audience either.)
We understand that the addition of flora and fauna (and humans!) has been quite successful. So many interesting variations. And yet, you haven’t lost all of your explosive touches (looking at you Krakatoa!) Our organization recognizes your creative leadership.
It has come to our attention, however, that there is dissatisfaction on the ground with some of the “world wonders” you’ve generated. And here, we come to the point of this communication. There’s a concern among the Big Bosses that you may have grown a bit complacent.
Locations promoted by you as areas of astounding beauty are not fulfilling their perceived potential. See examples below:
Regarding Sand Dunes National Park, Felicia from Yonkers noted, “I've seen more interesting dirt piles in my own bathtub.”
Regarding The Grand Canyon (which builds expectations right in the name. Perhaps another meeting with Marketing to rebrand?) –Bill from Arkansas says “Nothing more than a big hole in the ground.”
Regarding the Himalaya Mountains, Dieter from Hamburg says, “I like the Himalayas at Disneyworld better. The real ones don't have a Yeti.”
Regarding Silfra, E.O. Connors of Connecticut said, “It may be the only place in the world to dive between tectonic plates, but I would have had more fun watching the algae grow in my mother-in-law’s aquarium.”
There are countless others. As you progress toward your five billionth year on this project, we have identified this as an area of possible improvement. We suggest an in-house review of the complaints and the wonders themselves. Maybe a little of that old Creation magic could help.
Sincerely,
Marge
Your Planetary Management Team, Universe Headquarters
Free Reading
Some of the best one-star reviews of Mother Nature’s creations are posted by the US National Park Service, but my hands-down favorites are those illustrated by artist Amber Share.
If that’s not funny enough for you, I suggest you check out the biting satire of Thalia the Comedy Muse here on Substack. Here’s a post I love:
Writer Friends!!
Here’s an exciting opportunity for you from Story Street! Send us your best 100 word horror story by October 1st. There’s no fee, and winners will receive publication on Story Street and a cash prize!!!
Also on Story Street: If you’d like to fine tune the first line of your story, check out my latest craft essay, “Let’s Talk About First Lines with Faulkner”
I can’t wait